A friend of mine recently dined with a Japanese couple who had just returned from Disney World and loved it. ''What did you like most?'' she asked. The couple laughed to beat the band, and the husband said, ''All the fat people!''

Now that Dr. Atkins has been called in from his A.M.A.-imposed exile on Elba and the slightly-overweight Dean Ornish has been banished to wallflower status, the obvious and long admitted must now be broadcast: America is fat. Really fat.

If the word ''fat'' hurts feelings and requires euphemism in this age of obsessive sensitivity in which insults are destined to become felonies, try, for accuracy's sake, huge. America is a nation of huge people, not simply ''big'' or ''heavy'' or ''full-figured''—or one of the more ingenious evasions favored by my father, like ''I'm carrying too much weight.'' Deep down, we all know that hugeness is medically dangerous and, with a little thought, downright selfish; just ask anyone sitting next to a huge person on a subway or airplane. They—and occasionally we—take up too much room.

The desire to lose weight is the one constant in American history, remaining long after wars have ended, depressions have been reversed and Cubism has come and gone. Clearly, something is not working. But outside of the right genes and considerable surgery, we may never know, and our children's children may never know, how to make weight loss painless and permanent. So are they doomed to thrash around as we have, so overloaded with data that if information were food, it would breakfast everyone on one side of the equator for a year?

''It's not about being fat and heavy; it's about how you feel,'' Rita Rivest said to me recently. I had phoned her after my friend Red told me that Rita had changed her life in less than five days. ''First you need to feel right in your skin. People play food games, and my job is to take the game out of food and give them a program.'' Red, who looks somewhat north of 27 and south of 48, needed to lose about 1/37 of an ounce and went to Sage Hill, Rita's home and spa, in Ojai, Calif., north of Los Angeles. Red came back without the 1/37 and glowing.

''Listen,'' Rita said, ''I love to eat more than anything in the world. Anything! I'm the product of an unhealthy, alcoholic family where the average weight was 200 pounds—and that was the women! So the deals people make with their food is very interesting to me. When guests leave, they get to keep their deals, but I give them a little something to make it good for them. We don't count calories here, and we don't have scales.''

Rita takes on a very limited clientele—four to six people for three-day or five-day packages. A day at Sage Hill may read like a traditional spa experience—reduced-carb meals (''I'm an intuitive cook; I don't make food for how it will taste but for how it will make you feel''), considerable exercise (you get up at 6 and take a six-mile hike every day), every massage and alignment you've ever heard of, even acupuncture, and in-depth counseling (but no mud baths, no facials, no pedicures). The difference is Rita.

Some years ago, I wrote a play called ''Fighting International Fat'' about a weight-loss program that involved ''food governesses'' who watched over clients 24/7, slapping food out of their hands, policing their iceboxes, distracting them sexually if necessary. My intention was satire. Rita's is anything but.

''She tunes right into you,'' Red says. ''From the minute you show up, she's watching you and learning about you. She figures out your stress level, your sleep problems, and designs a program that will work for you. From the inside out.''

Rita speaks in a snappy style that makes you sit up and pay attention. ''I am not a vacation destination,'' she says. ''This is no five-days-a-week, then take the weekend off thing. This is for life. Most people I deal with are definitely compulsive, Type A's, with very big worlds. And the one area they get stuck is food, because that's the easiest place to get relief and release. They are dealing with extraordinary sugar and carbohydrate cravings, and I calm down these surges—and then show them how to do it too.''

One way is with two small breakfasts, about three hours apart, lunch, an afternoon snack, dinner and pitchers of heavily diluted decaf green tea throughout the day and at night something called Heavenly Sleep that consists of herbs, hot water and Lennox Lewis's right fist. Breakfast is usually a health shake or an egg and a mixture of soy and goat yogurts. (''Soy yogurt is part of my Menu From Hell—with tofu burgers and crudites.'')

Lunch is usually the highly improvisational Sage Hill Salad, and, if you're lucky, a delicious tomato soup. Dinner will consist of fish or chicken (no red meat) and a melange of vegetables. Some dishes smack of health-food blandness, but many are most satisfying, and some are great.

''What happens with carb people—and everybody's carb people, pretty much—is that they're always scrambling for energy, so they have to keep going back to carbs over and over throughout the day. You have to be constantly recharged or you start cross-firing on insulin and the body doesn't know what to do.''

Does this make her an Atkinsian, a Pritikinite or a Trim-Spafiliac? Absolutely not. ''People on high-protein diets feel leaner faster because their fluids leave them faster. But Atkins is not balanced. Anything he does is horrible in my opinion. He's always been overweight, and now he's got heart disease. What do you expect? And Pritikin was just wrong.''

Her restaurant strategy is good news for those of us not interested in dining with the pallid mung beaners. ''I love restaurants! My strategy is before every restaurant meal I have a little something to eat at home, and I promise myself I'll get something afterward. Also, before every eating event I have a cup of green tea—my food decisions are always better. And I absolutely forbid clients to discuss business over a meal. Or anything emotional.''

Guests at Sage Hill have one other common problem. ''Everyone suffers from some kind of sleep disorder. Often, it's brought on by alcohol, which can put you to sleep for a few hours, but then you're wide awake at 4 a.m. and thinking.'' The chai and sledgehammer tea help. Red has never slept better since she got back; neither have I.

Red says: ''The best thing about Sage Hill is you put yourself in someone else's hands. Someone brings you tea, pays you total attention. You're completely catered to. And all the time, Rita is watching.''

It's not cheap—or is it? Rita charges $2,300 for three days. But for that you get not only meals, exercise, massages and therapies, but also a usable program and great insight into yourself—which are either extra or nonexistent at other spas. And if it changes your life, turns bloat into calm and insomnia into rest, how high the moon?

Sage Hill Salmon

For the vegetables:
1 1/2 cups peeled, sliced English cucumber
2 tablespoons rice-wine vinegar
1 teaspoon sesame seeds, skillet roasted
Bragg Liquid Aminos (see note)
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 large portobello mushrooms, thinly sliced
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
Sea salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
20 stalks asparagus, trimmed to 6 inches long and cut crosswise in half
1 medium bunch purple broccoli, tops only, separated into small florets
2 sprigs rosemary or oregano, tied in cheesecloth

For the salmon:
4 filets Alaskan King salmon about 1 inch thick and about 5 ounces each (remove skin if desired)
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 small clove garlic, crushed
2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary, oregano or basil
Sea salt
3 tablespoons roasted pine nuts.

1. Combine the cucumbers, vinegar and sesame seeds in a medium bowl and add a few sprays of Bragg Liquid Aminos. Mix well, adjust seasoning and set aside. Heat the olive oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat and saute the mushrooms and garlic for 3 minutes. Add the lemon juice, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper and cook, stirring frequently, until the mushrooms are soft, about 4 minutes. Set aside. Place tip halves of the asparagus to the side and combine the remaining asparagus and the broccoli in a bowl. Place herbs in cheesecloth in 1/2 inch of water in a large pan and stir in 1/2 teaspoon salt. Set aside.
2. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Line a small baking tray with foil and place the salmon pieces on top. Mix the oil, lemon juice, garlic, chopped herb of choice and 1/4 teaspoon salt and spread over salmon pieces. Bake 8 to 10 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, heat the water with the herbs in cheesecloth to boiling. Add the broccoli mixture, cover and cook 3 to 4 minutes, until the vegetables are almost crisp-tender. Add the asparagus tips, cover and cook 1 to 2 minutes, until crisp-tender. Remove the herbs, drain the vegetables and add to mushrooms. Season with salt and pepper and keep warm.
4. Arrange a quarter of the mushroom mixture in the center of each of 4 dinner plates, cover with the cucumber mixture and top with a piece of salmon. Sprinkle with pine nuts. Serve immediately.
Yield: 4 servings.
NOTE: Bragg Liquid Aminos, a tahini-tasting protein supplement, is available at health food stores, (800) 446-1990 and www.bragg.com.

Tomato Soup

1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 large white onion, finely chopped
2 small garlic cloves, minced
1/2 red bell pepper, minced
1/4 cup red lentils
1 teaspoon dry basil
1 teaspoon dry thyme
6 ripe tomatoes, blanched, peeled and chopped
Juice of 1/2 lemon
Sea salt
2 cups vegetable broth
1 to 2 tablespoons tomato paste (optional)
1 tablespoon fresh basil, chopped, plus small sprigs for garnish
Bragg Liquid Aminos to taste.

1. In a saucepan, heat the olive oil over medium heat and saute the onion, garlic, and red pepper until tender, about 10 minutes. Add the lentils, basil and thyme and saute 3 minutes. Add the tomatoes, lemon juice and salt, heat to boiling and simmer 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the vegetable broth and simmer 20 to 30 minutes, until the lentils are soft. If too thin, blend a little hot broth with the tomato paste in a small bowl and stir into soup. Simmer 3 minutes; if thick, add more broth.
2. Season with basil and Bragg Liquid Aminos and ladle into bowls. Garnish with a sprig of basil.
Yield: 4 to 6 servings.